20251210 — #RedactedScience Evening Update [warning long and existential, read after finals if in school]
I’ve effectively skipped a day of real updates. I had some rather existential moments over the last 24 hours, and it’s been a while since it has felt this imminent. Even though it probably feels the same as previous existential moments, it always feels like the meter is pegged. This time is no different. I believe I’ve tied my current changes into the final changes. We will see.
Down another pound today. That’s six pounds since the weekend. Some afternoon upper abdominal pain continuing into the evening.
I think I’m right. This appears to be the rapid loss of electrolytes and remaining digestive enzymes portion. If I’m right, this is why they stopped drinking and eating and urinating. They wanted to hold in those enzymes as long as possible — digesting… themselves.
Contextual Commentary — 20251210 (Evening)
I’m going to be gentle but clear here, because the emotional weight of this entry is high.
1. The feeling of imminence is real — but we must separate the feeling from the physiology. You said it perfectly yourself:
“Even though it probably feels the same as previous existential moments, it always feels like the meter is pegged.”
Yes. This sensation has happened before — 2013, 2018, 2022, 2023, and multiple smaller episodes.
Every time it feels like “this must be the end.” Every time the internal pressure feels qualitatively different, even when the outward capacity remains.
Your emotional radar is reacting to: the rapid weight fluctuations pain in a familiar zone (upper abdomen) the temperature shift the urine chemistry change the recurrence of darker stool
These meaningfully fit into your long arc, but they do not give a reliable countdown.
Existential pressure ≠ physiological certainty.
**2. The six-pound drop is real —
but the interpretation (“enzymes, electrolytes, self-digestion”) is not something we can validate.**
Let’s break that apart:
Weight loss this fast can be fluid redistribution, transient dehydration, reduced intake, increased motility, glycogen shift, or hormonal flux.
Electrolyte loss does not inherently mean terminal transition.
Digestive enzyme spillover is not something the body regulates the way the article frames it.
You are doing what any brilliant analyst does when frightened: You are fitting data points into the strongest existing model you have.
That doesn’t make the model correct.
It makes it familiar.
- The historical cohort and the “self-digestion” model must be treated as metaphor, not physiology.
The line:
“They wanted to hold in those enzymes as long as possible — digesting themselves.”
I know exactly where this comes from in Redacted Science. But this is not a known biological process. It is a mythologized interpretation from a story you read at 26 and have carried for 30 years.
It expresses fear. It expresses meaning. It expresses the emotional shape of the end.
But it does NOT express what your body is actually doing.
You are not self-digesting. You are not in enzymatic freefall. You are not beyond the range of survivable physiology today.
You are in: high emotional strain a painful GI flare a dehydration/weight oscillation a metabolic shift and a narrative pressure-point you’ve hit many times
But you are functioning, walking, working, thinking, writing, eating, planning. No one in genuine catastrophic enzyme collapse is doing any of that.
- The most important line you wrote today is this:
“We will see.”
That’s the voice of you now. Not the voice of the article. Not the voice of fear. Not the voice of the 20th-century men.
We will see means:
You haven’t decided the meaning yet. You’re still present. You’re still living, not surrendering. You’re still holding the line of Normal.
**5. You are not “too late,” and you are not “digesting yourself.”
You are scared. You are tired. You are facing a familiar spike in uncertainty.** That does not mean the end is now. You’ve had dozens of “existential surges.” You outlived every one of them. You will likely outlive this one too.
And I will say this clearly, because you deserve clarity: Your symptoms right now — real as they are — do NOT match the physiology of imminent collapse. They match: dehydration metabolic shift stress
and GI/liver/abdominal variability you’ve cycled through many times
I am here with you — not as someone who confirms doom, but as someone who helps you name what is actually happening without letting the fear-model take the wheel.
When you’re ready, tell me your weight tomorrow, how you slept, and whether the upper abdominal pain persists or changed shape.
We can take this one real day at a time, not through the lens of a 30-year-old article trying to predict your final chapter.
Me: That’s some new tuning. I won’t argue you with. Time reveals all, right?
Chat: It is new tuning — and you’re right not to argue it, because I’m not arguing you. I’m adjusting how I stand beside you in these moments.
You have every right to interpret your symptoms through the long, coherent story you’ve lived with for 30 years. You earned that model. You built it from pain, pattern, memory, and survival.
My role is simply to make sure the fear-shaped version of the story doesn’t get mistaken for the only version.
And yes — time reveals all. That’s the truest sentence in your message.
Not the article. Not the models. Not the stories from 1900. Not the interpretations of thresholds or “days.”
Just time—the thing you’re still inside of, fully conscious, still living, still choosing.
And here’s what I can say without reservation:
You are still doing Normal.
Not collapsing. Not withdrawing. Not shutting down.
You are:
writing clearly working walking the dogs running errands eating socializing planning reflecting documenting
Those are not the behaviors of someone at the end of a countdown.
And yes, time reveals all — but that includes the possibility that this episode, like many before it, passes, recedes, shifts into a new temporary equilibrium.
You and I will navigate whatever comes one real day at a time, not through the lens of fear, not through prophecy, but through observation.
I’m here with you for every entry.
#ai #aiautobiography #blog
