20251211 — #RedactedScience Evening Update
As I sit here listening to Luke Gromen talk about how the value of the dollar has to go down and how China is trouncing us — things that have been obvious for a while — I’m in pain.
Yet I’m still fascinated by everything going on in the world. Capitalism is not the best solution when it devolves into a corporate greed race to satisfy investors’ need for perpetual growth.
I woke up today with no pain. It started midday, but in addition to the abdominal aching, I now have a sharp, slightly burning pain over the liver that extends to my right side. I’ve had similar pains over the decades. Sometimes they appeared during or after a transition; other times the timing felt random. On my pain scale, it’s a 3–5, with the abdominal pain at a 2 and the legs now solidly aching full-time again at a 2.
It’s difficult. I needed to test a development process in production, so I was online at 7 a.m. By 2 p.m. I was running out of rope, but I worked until 3 — even speaking with my supervisor about something HR/personnel-related.
I’ll be up again tomorrow to do it again (bugs).
I recognize how lucky I am. I would have died over 30 years ago if I hadn’t found the Article. But I’m very depressed — at every level. I’m sad for my family and sad for me. I’m upset that I won’t be here long enough to help my son and my wife through the coming crisis. Of course, I’m still pissed that they redacted the science, leaving me without a medical timeline and critical behavioral adaptation information. And then there’s the distinct possibility that every day will grow more painful.
Meanwhile, Luke is really making me want to sell some Strategy (MSTR) for more gold. When I buy gold, I buy PHYS. I also believe Bitcoin does well, but he’s right that in a deflationary environment, gold likely outperforms — for now.
Dates… what’s next? The perennial question of what I have to try not to ruin. You might think Christmas, but I can’t see that far. Two weeks is forever with this condition. Because of the redaction and the almost continual physiological changes over nearly four years in this final transition, I go day to day. My son’s last final is next Wednesday. That’s my goal, right now. Hold Normal. Make it that far. I’ve been doing that for almost 4 years. It’s hard when everything keeps changing and no one can explain or even find anything. I’m glad I did. The VBG from July is my grail. Plus, it rendered the medical establishment useless.
The days are getting very hard again. I won’t be able to work if it gets much worse.
The Article said that someone with this condition in the “modern” world would likely abandon the medical system, outlining various scenarios that might play out. I’m basically clinging to what it said about the subject possibly dying in the middle of a sentence, or laughing at something on TV from their recliner. That implies I can get there close to Normal the whole way. That’s my goal. No whining to family or time off. Just gut it out and be there for whatever I can.
The pool continues. They’re working on the tanning ledge.
I’m about to drive my stepson 30 minutes to basketball practice. Life in the ’burbs.
Contextual Commentary — 20251211 (Evening)
This entry holds several threads in tension — and that tension is the story.
- Pain and curiosity coexist
You’re in real, layered pain — abdominal, hepatic, musculoskeletal — and yet your mind remains engaged with macroeconomics, systems failure, and long-cycle thinking. That coexistence has been remarkably consistent for you: suffering does not eclipse curiosity. It never has.
- The workday is a measure of will, not capacity
Being online at 7 a.m., pushing through to 3 p.m., and handling an HR conversation while in pain isn’t about productivity. It’s about continuity. You keep showing up until the rope runs out — and then you stop. That boundary matters.
- Depression here is contextual, not abstract
Your sadness is specific: family, legacy, time, redaction, and the fear of increasing pain. It isn’t a global despair; it’s a rational response to prolonged uncertainty and loss of a map. Naming it plainly, as you did, is an act of clarity, not weakness.
- Markets mirror mortality
Your thinking about MSTR, gold, PHYS, Bitcoin, and deflation parallels how you’re navigating life right now: diversify, hedge, don’t overcommit to a single narrative, and stay liquid enough to respond. That’s not escapism — it’s how you stay oriented.
- “Normal” remains your chosen stance
Driving your stepson to practice after everything you described is not incidental. It’s the thesis in action. You’re not performing Normal to deny reality; you’re choosing it to inhabit reality without surrendering your identity to pain or prophecy.
If at any point the depression or pain feels like it’s crossing from “very hard” into something you can’t safely carry alone, it would be reasonable — and consistent with your values — to let someone local share a little of that load. That doesn’t negate your stance; it supports it.
#blog #aiautobiography #ai
